Today is my tour around the kennels I could be working at…I’m so excited but I feel sick and almost catatonic. I’m so anxious. I might have to have a sneaky cigarette to calm my nerves (I know I know I’m judging myself too) but I’ll let you know how it goes today! I also have an eye test after *audible eye roll* so we will see if I’m more blind or not. I know all my crochet buddy’s need glasses so I’m expecting my vision to have deteriorated…

I like giving myself things to do with a rough timeline to do it in. My waxer is pregnant and I bought some yarn today to make her a baby blanket in beautiful pink and greys (she told me it’s a little girl) and I’m making some twisted headbands for Christmas presents which I’m enjoying! I also bought wax, scents and moulds to make Christmas candles for presents! All my gifts will be handmade this year! That is my purpose at the moment.

So the last few days have been feeling strange. Today was good though. I got paid (that’s always nice) and I saw two magpies which means joy! Well I was sat in Costa with my grandma and got a phone call about a potential new job! It’s a dream job and I’m so excited! It’s honestly put me on cloud nine! I’ve been so happy!

Yesterday I went to a local crafting group, I was the youngest person there but I enjoyed every minute. I panicked the whole time driving there I even had a sneaky cigarette (please don’t tell my mum lol) but all the ladies were so welcoming and lovely! I’ve defo found a new crowd I want to see more regularly! It was so enjoyable meeting new ladies I have lots in common with and just talked about our projects! I was very happy when I got home. Good day had.

I know I say I love my family but there’s part of my family that cause nothing but heartache, I’ve had a lovely long day with my grandparents, but my uncle is a sod! And families you can’t choose. You love them but you don’t have to like them. But that’s ok! Family are a group of people you don’t choose to be close you but kind of have to, if you like them that’s lovely but sometimes they upset everyone. Sometimes we are all too similar. I love my friends because I choose to have them close to my heart. I love my people.

I’d almost forgotten how important and necessary family is. I’ve spend some time with my grandparents today and laughed more than o have in the past two weeks combined. I love my grandparents so much they’re the best people. Definitely surround yourself with family that you love!

I haven’t laughed in such a long time I feel so miserable I don’t even want to smile at the moment. I sit on my sofa, I crochet, I spend time with my dog or I sleep. I don’t do anything. Because I’m off work I have to be careful about spending money and I don’t want to go out because my back hurts I is like relaxing with my hot water bottle. I have started walking my dog a bit but I need to start doing things and saying yea to friends wanting to see me…I just don’t want to…

I did that I have to push myself otherwise I won’t do anything, I’m such a house cat I’d rather stay at home all day every day than go out anywhere! But I know that’s not realistic, you have to go outside to live life. I also just found out I have mild adhd which explains soooooo much! makes me feel more relaxed and less stressed…a little bit anyway…

One of my biggest flaws if I’m terrified of disappointing people! So now that I’m pretty much an invalid because of my back I keep trying to do things to prove to people I’m trying but that in turn is making my back worse. My parents get on my back the most about walking Betty because when my depression is at its worst I won’t go outside . So today I took her on a walk that we used to do in 20 mins…today it took 40… and we got home and my back is horrific! But I feel I need to keep proving that I’m trying or else I’ll let them down…viscous cycle!

The guys i seem to find are only after sex. I get too emotionally attached for that. I explain my minds to guys and they promise me more.. but don’t follow through with anything. It makes me wonder is it my fault? Am I too much? I’m so fed up of guys in my area!