I mentioned that I’m suffering with back issues lately, I’m now on my fourth week off work with it, with this much free time I’m not sure if it’s good or bad for my mental health. I don’t have much to do. I crochet and I watch bones on tv, i tidied my bedroom and sorted out my reptiles vivariums. I don’t feel like doing anything, although I’m not sure I feel unmotivated because I’m bored or because I’m more depressed…

A major part of my depression is that I feel nothing at all. I know that’s probably part of my medication but I don’t get excited about anything, I don’t really feel joy, I’m just quiet and grumpy. When I laugh I’m genuinely shocked, not much makes me happy other than my dog. I just need to wait and see.

Lists are great. They help me to put everything in from of me physically and help free up some valuable space on my head! I have so many notepads and journals! I like feeling organised and in control of a situation. It leaves less room for error if I’m in charge of it. You know the saying ‘if you want something done right then you need to do it yourself’.

If I knew how to portray an eye roll through typing then I would. They’re idiots, they push their luck, they’re disrespectful, and they’re pigs. I know there are some good eggs out there but I haven’t come across them. I battle myself when I have guys playing me along and empty promises but I like them so I give them chance after chance and cause myself pain but I just see the good in everyone and can’t help but believe that maybe things will be different this time.

Another of my triggers is my weight, I know I’m overweight, I try to do what I can but it’s so difficult for me to lose weight. My self esteem is shocking, I struggle to open up to guys because I think they will find me gross. I prefer to turn the lights off when I undress because then no one can see my body. I struggle with motivation and time but I will lose weight! I’ve promised myself.

As a part of growing with my mental health issues I’ve realised how important it is to know my triggers. To analyse my breakdowns to know what caused them and how to try and avoid them. I know that my triggers include my finances, feeling not good enough and feeling overwhelmed (there’s more but I’ll leave it at that for now). By knowing these things affect me so much I can challenge my thoughts to help myself avoid a breakdown.

I wrote before about knowing when to say no…but neglected to mention that you need to know when to reach out and ask for help. Personally, I’m very self aware so I notice subtle changes in myself and I know when to get in touch with my gp etc, I probably annoy my doctors surgery because of how much I phone but I know my own mind and body and I know what is normal for me and what is abnormal. I want to be myself and my mental health is stopping me from being her. I’ve tried all sorts : therapy, CBT, medication. Different treatments work for different people, just know there is more help out there than you realise!

I’ve got to know myself pretty well over my 24 years of life, I know my likes and dislikes and my limits. I know what I might enjoy doing and what I won’t. It’s not bad if you know something is too out of your comfort zone, and l ow when to say no! I hate the thought of letting people down but the one person you really can’t let down is yourself because when it mental health declines your physical health follows! This week I’ve cold turkey stopped some meds that didn’t agree with me and it’s been the hardest week I’ve had in a long time, my back is in the worst state ever and my voice is hoarse. I’ve had so say no more times this week than I have in the past year or two but I’m not letting myself feel bad for it! I’m doing it to better myself and I thank myself for it.

One of my issues with my mental health is that I get my back up because people don’t believe what I tell them, I have to prove myself all the time which makes me feel that my opinion is invalid and not good enough, makes me feel worthless…in turn that then makes me angry, because why must people second guess me?! Have I proved to them that I don’t know what I’m talking about? Have I proved myself incompetent?! I get furious, I see red. I get flustered and then I want to cry which makes me seem weak which makes me even more angry. I am so quick to anger which isn’t usually like me…

Sometime as unpleasant as it is, a good cry is needed to release the bad energy. I had a big open conversation with my mum and I cried and she held me and rocked me like a baby. It felt so good and made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Mums are necessary. I don’t get on with mine 100% of the time but when I need her she’s there.